Focus….focus…who’s got the focus

I am
Holding on to you
I am
Holding on to you
In the middle of the storm
I am holding on
I am!  -Crowder

As we sang these words this morning during worship…..tears streamed down my face. As my heart remembered my storm and the Lord holding on to me through all of it.   Yet as we sang….I thought to myself I am tired of crying through worship!  Tired of words that reach my heartache…..tired of my heart being broken for the brokenness within my family. 
We sang “Flawless” next….”no matter the hurts, the cross has made you flawless”….I wholeheartedly believe that is true…..but…..I sure don’t feel flawless…..I feel kind of bruised and battered.   I learned a long time ago to focus on facts rather than feelings…..to focus on the Truth….not how I feel.    The truth is we are flawless in Christ.   In Isaiah it says “By His stripes we are healed”…..ARE….not will be…..not someday……we.are healed by His stripes.   That is truth.  Do I feel that..
. no….do I trust it….absolutely…..do I focus on it!?  God help me!!!  
My eyes….my heart keeps looking at the mess….my focus is on my family’s difficulties….and the hurt my heart feels.  It’s like driving by an accident scene…..we can’t help but look at the destruction…..except….this isn’t just a once in a blue moon accident scene….this is watching someone I love self destruct an inch at a time. 
I know I am still not right spiritually…..I have peace most days……but joy feels like a long journey away.  To be honest….I am not doing what I need to do to change things….I need to be in the Word……setting aside a time to pray. For months….mainly I’ve sustained on a devotional and short prayers. Of course I complete homework for the Bible studies I attend…..but I’m not pressing in….digging in….really studying the Word….
Jesus said “You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.”. If I apply His other words to these…..”Sanctify them with truth, Your word is truth”…..and “I am the way, the truth and the life”…..I can easily come to the conclusion….that Jesus and the Word bring freedom. And Jesus brings joy….it’s a fruit of the Spirit…..it can only come from Jesus…..because joy is in Him. “These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.” John 15: 11. The Word also says that if I draw near to Him, that He will draw near to me. (James 4:8). Here I am instead gawking out the window at the accident scene….over and over. He says “Draw near”……in Him is joy, freedom and so much more.
As I silently, prayerfully prepared my heart for communion during the service. I poured out my heart to the Lord…..telling Him I haven’t done my part these last few months….that even if the situation never changes that I will trust Him…..but please……change my heart. Give me back a hunger for the Word….a hunger for Jesus…..bring me back to the joy of the Lord!

You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore. Psalm 16:11