Rose for my Momma…..

I took my momma a rose for Mother’s Day today.  As I got out of the car, the familiar scent of honeysuckle, lilac and pine greeted me…..and with it images of my young momma hanging clothes on the line as she sang an old hymn to pass the time.  

My mom and I never really got along…..or probably the truth of the heart is….I never really wanted to.  Growing up I saw my mom as weak because she didn’t protect her children…….she saw me as headstrong and prideful like my father….she tried, as any mother would do to squelch those qualities….but like a young, wild horse….it only made me more determined….more obstinate.  

My mom was abusive at times…..I think out of frustration for the mess that was her life…..being married to my dad was a tough road….one no young bride would embrace with excitement.   It was evident she stayed for my sister and I, filing for divorce a few months before we turned 18…..learning once again my father had an affair……this time with her beloved best friend.

I write this not as evidence against my mother….but I want to paint a picture of how messy our relationship was in my younger years.   Truly, my mom had a beautiful heart…..she loved Jesus….had the most beautiful child-like faith.   My mom loved everyone and would do anything for anyone.   But like anything else that came from 729 HCR 37…..our relationship was broken……we were broken.   

Yesterday, it was with deep regret, with my rose in hand that I didn’t get past that brokenness…..the unforgiveness….until a decade ago.  As I laid the rose on my momma’s name etched in granite….1945-2007….I lamented for all the Mother’s Day that I wasn’t available….didn’t make her a priority.   As I looked down at the Easter peeps my son left for his beloved grandma….his only grandparent…..her only grandchild, I said outloud….”she WAS an awesome grandma.”    

I remembered the day I had to tell that boy, now man that his beloved grandma wasn’t going to make the night.  The day the decision was placed on my shoulders…..a surgery that would surely kill as her weak body succumbed…..or to die peacefully surrounded by her family.   Being obstinate and headstrong……part of me wanted to fight….but it wasn’t my fight….knowing my momma’ s love for my boy……she would have wanted to spend every precious second that night with the boy who had brought her so much joy…..we….my sister….he and I held her hand as her heart beat for the last time.   

Hours earlier…..knowing I may not ever get another opportunity…..I had made my amends to my mother…..long over due…..I forgave my mom….forgiveness was a choice that I had refused to make….until the last hours…..headstrong…..obstinate…..selfish.  My mom had tried so hard to mend fences…..win me over….but I would have none of it.   As I grieved my momma’ s death…..I also grieved the relationship that never was…..a relationship that never can be.   

I share my heart today…..Mother’s Day eve…..to give you a glimpse inside of the hurt my old behavior still causes as I stand over my Momma’s grave.   If you are holding unforgiveness or bitterness toward your mom…..let go of that today.  Forgiveness is a choice.  Take your mom some flowers, FTD them if the distance warrants…..give them….and yourself generously while she can still enjoy it.   Even if for no other reason…..she chose you….when she chose life.  Unforgiveness…..is an ugly thing….we really have no idea what it robs from us….but certainly our joy….our peace….relationships.  God will provide us with the grace we need to choose forgiveness.  And if, like me….. showing your mother love today means a rose on a headstone…….it’s worth the tears.  

My Son Lost His Grandma My son lost his Grandma,  She left us late last night,  She’d been a wonderful grandma  To my son all of his life.  The night he was born,  She was there with great pride.  Bragging and boasting  What a beautiful baby boy!  It wasn’t long and into the car,  Cruising around the town,  Just one boy, his Grandma  And one steep “whee” hill.  Lots of fond memories,  My son will always cherish,  You were the best Grandma,  My son could ever have.  Days pass to years,  And he is half grown,  Sometimes it is so hard  For Grandmas to let go.  Grandma, I am going to play Football –  Oh no that’s dangerous!  But you cheered all the way,  Go Grandson go!  We wanted you to stay,  A few more years at least,  To see “your boy”  Grow up to become a man.  He was there with you,  With all of us last night,  He said “Grandma I love you.”  And held on tight to your hand.  But we knew the end was near,  And he cried lots of tears.  Sometimes it is so hard  For Grandsons to let go.        CKH

600 double portions…..

 Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion; instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot; therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion; they shall have everlasting joy.  Isaiah 61:7

This past weekend I had the amazing oppurtunity to attend the Celebrate Recovery One Day Seminar in Des Moines.  Since sobering up in my early 20’s, I have spent many weekends at recovery conferences…..but never anything quite like this! Six hundred men and women in recovery…..who loved Jesus!  Surrounding me under a beautiful, life-size cross….in a beautiful church…...were leaders and potential leaders of Celebrate Recovery.    We began the day worshipping the one true Higher Power…..Jesus! I have to tell you…..I cried…..tears of gratitude for the grace and mercy our Jesus lavished upon us….not only to be in recovery….saved from hell….and promised a mansion for eternity….but we experience a front row seat to Jesus using the Celebrate Recovery program to bring freedom to others.   We get to be His vessels…..we get to lead the hurting….the broken to Jesus through the Celebrate Recovery program!   I am amazed and humbled by His love for us….for me.    Many of us lived in shame and dishonor…..but our Jesus rescued us by grace.  I can think of no greater blessing on this Earth than to be used by God to help bring freedom in Christ to my sisters in bondage.  We deserve shame and dishonor….but Jesus….died so we can live in forgiveness and freedom….and He uses us to help others find freedom in Him.  That’s to me is the double portion!  

One of the videos they showed was of a child maybe 10-12 years old getting baptized….that hit me heavy in the heart…..not only do we have potential to see chains broken in those attending Celebrate Recovery…..but we can be a part of chains breaking from families by the power of Jesus…that were tethered for generations!    Having lived in generational bondage…..the thought of generational freedom makes me want to shout “hallelujah! Praise the Lord”…..and with arms high in praise….I did just that.  He is worthy to be praised!  Thank You Jesus for the Celebrate Recovery program! Thank You Jesus for Your grace that brings us forgiveness and freedom!  Thank You Jesus for a double portion,  when instead we deserve the fiery pit.  

“Praise the Lord! It is good to sing praises to our God; for it is pleasant and a song of praise is fitting.” (Psalm 147:1)

  

I am His….

 

“But Jesus…when he saw her, he said, Daughter, be of good comfort; thy faith hath made thee whole. And the woman was made whole from that hour.” – Matthew 9:22

 

This past weekend, was my church’s ladies retreat.  Our topic was “I am His” – our speaker shared about finding our identity in Christ.  As I reviewed my notes and reflected on some of the things she shared,  a few of the points in particular, “we are complete in Him and fully pleasing” and “We are accepted and acceptable to Him”, “I am totally accepted by God”……made my nose burn…..you know that feeling a split second before tears trickle down one’s cheeks….my head understands…..my head knows what the Word says…..but sometimes there is a disconnect somewhere in between.    Sometimes… it’s a really long way from my head to my heart.      There is a part of me that still feels I have to be “on my Jesus girl game”…..spiritually on the beam in order to be fully pleasing to God…..to be acceptable to Him.     Yes, there are times…..when I’m there…..when I totally embrace who I am in Him…..but more often than not…..the lies get me off track.    Why is it so hard for me to trust that He totally accepts and loves me in my brokenness…..even more…..one step further….that I am fully pleasing to Him…despite my past sin……in my mess……when there are tears streaming down my face as I blog…..why is it hard to trust that He accepts me… even when it’s so hard for me to trust Him at His Word!?

That’s basically what it boils down to……a matter of trust…..I started this journey in a huge hole in the trust department……over time it’s been filled in……but maybe not packed down…..not solid.   I was convinced for most of my youth that God abandoned me….that He left me as I cried out to Him for protection.  I know that is a lie from the enemy…..but there is a part of me….deep inside that still stings from the pain of aloneness……I can almost hear my heart beating quickly in the dark…..in the alone…..in the gaping brokenness of unacceptableness…..worthlessness……never good enough…..well…..only those moments…..those yucky…..I’ll just be good until it’s over moments…..just good enough.

As I reread that last paragraph…..it’s really not surprising that I struggle with this.  I don’t want to struggle with it……I want to rest in the Truth……I want desperately to always believe that I am acceptable to God…..totally….completely pleasing to Him.

In Matthew 9, we read of a woman who had a blood disorder…..for 12 years….she had faith that if she just touched Jesus’s cloak, that He would heal her disorder….and He did.  The KJV uses the word “whole”…..He didn’t just heal her….He made her whole.   I love that…..a miracle encounter with Jesus Christ….surely not only healed her of her blood disorder…..but made her whole….completely whole in Him.   It was her faith that made her whole…..her faith that He could.  Her faith that He would.  Her faith that she dared even approach Him…..Her. faith. made. her. whole.   I want a faith like that….a faith that believes not just that He “could”……but that He “would”…..a faith that trusts Jesus to make her whole…..not slightly damaged….whole.   It’s hard for me to wrap my head around “whole”……I’ve lived damaged as long as I can remember.   Is it just a matter of faith…..just a matter of trusting Him!?    Is it just a matter of choosing to trust!?  Maybe so…. if Jesus chose to heal me instantly….to make me whole with one word.    Perhaps, it’s a matter of trusting Him that I am exactly where I am supposed to be….right at this moment……knowing that Jesus has my healing in His hands……becoming whole…for me…..is a process…..it’s a journey that Christ has walked with me for 20 years.  The more I know Him, through His Word….the more I trust Him…..today I am choosing to believe that even though I may still be broken, that I am acceptable to Him….fully pleasing to Him…..it’s really not about me anyway……it’s about the cross….how the blood of my Jesus makes me “God worthy”….and as His blood covers me…..covers my imperfections…..covers my sin and unbelief…..His blood makes me…..HIS!!!    Thank you Jesus!!

 

There is a light that overwhelms the darkness
There is a kingdom that forever reigns
There is freedom from the chains that bind us
Jesus, Jesus

Who walks on the waters
Who speaks to the sea
Who stands in the fire beside me
He roars like a lion
He bled as the lamb
He carries my healing in his hands
Jesus

There is a name I call in times of trouble
There is a song that comforts in the night
There is a voice that calms the storm that rages
He is Jesus, Jesus

-Jesus – Chris Tomlin

 

 

 

 

Surprise gifts…

There was a time, when I would have shook my head at that…..jaw set….declaring my unlovability….it was all I had really known. Growing up where flaws made one “not worth shooting” and imperfections were met with a fist to the head…..or a kick. I believed that I was too damaged….not worthy of love. I never felt good enough….not in school….not in church…. I became distrustful of everyone. As I grew up, I became tough….hard….held the world at bay with an aloof…intimidating facade…underneath a broken little girl….but I would have fought anyone who dared call me broken. I was fiercely independent and self sufficient…convinced I needed no one. Over the years…a few women tried to get close….but no one was able to really gain my trust. My hurt and shame would never allow me to drop the facade entirely.
As I began to grow closer to the Lord….my heart became softer….I was in my 30’s before I allowed another human being to see my brokenness …to trust another person enough to take down the walls. Only through Jesus am I really capable of a normal relationship….only through Him was I able to heal enough to begin to trust. He has brought me such a long way. I praise God for the transformation only He could bring.
Today after worship…one of my mentors pulled me into a side room with several other women…women I trust…women who I have repeatedly shared my brokenness with…they prayed over me for my surgery and recovery. Five years ago…I would have had nothing to do with these “church ladies”….or the handful of other godly woman in my life….today as they prayed thanking God for me and the impact I had on their lives…..I wept…..thanking God for the impact these godly women had on mine. I wept in gratitude for the healing Jesus has brought in my life….that allows me to be transparent about my brokenness. That allows me to have real relationships…..to be soft hearted….to allow others to love me despite my flaws. The women who circled around me today know me…..they know my past….my struggles….my brokenness. Over and over God has provided me with surprise gifts…..those are the ones you didn’t know you wanted until you had.

In sixteen hours….my surgery will begin…I have no uneasiness…no fear….rather.. my heart is so full of gratitude to my Jesus for the healing He has brought and the many gifts He has given….including those “church ladies” who will be holding me up in prayer.

Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.–Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Praising Him with songs of joy….

I haven’t eaten in 12 days…..yes, seriously….I’ve been on a totally liquid diet consisting mainly of protein drinks. The diet is to prepare for my surgery on Monday. Honestly, other than a couple of bumps…..this has been the best two weeks of my life! I’ve been praying. A LOT. I have had some amazing prayer time! I have spent hours upon hours seeking God’s face. I haven’t eaten in 12 days….but I feel amazing!

During this time, I have also worked on and finished a 4/5th step inventory (“Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs”. Celebrate Recovery step 5). Wow…God has brought me a long, long way from the first inventory I did twenty years ago! I think we all should do an inventory from time to time and confession (James 5:16)….allow God to search our heart….write it down, confess to Him our sin…..then go to a person we are comfortable with and share in an honest conversation.

Many of you know….I attribute a lot of my freedom from shame to James 5:16.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayers of a righteous person are powerful and effective. James 5:16

I shared my inventory today. Taking an honest look at the sin I still struggle with or have recently struggled with. Because we are sinful beings. …sin creeps in our lives….and if we allow it to remain unchecked….it can quickly become a stronghold. I want to walk in freedom…..righteousness….to bring glory to my Jesus!
The woman who listened to my 5th step and I are working together with others to bring Celebrate Recovery to our community. In addition to my inventory, I felt led to share with her my story. Praise God, I have walked in freedom from this addiction for almost a decade. I have shared that part of my story on several occasions. Each time I do, I am more and more humbled at what God has done for me and the freedom He has brought…..bringing waves of gratitude….waves of praise. And once again, I am just in awe of how much Jesus loves us! He died on the cross to save us from our sin. He chose me before the world began….knowing the depth of my sin….knowing every detail….knowing every sin that I’d ever commit….every sin…..yet He loves me….and in the same way… He chose you….and loves you just as much. His grace still amazes me! I hope I never, ever get desensitized to the amazingness of His grace!!
On day one, I asked God to make this “diet” count for eternity….and I think it has. I’ve been drawn to a deeper place of intimacy with Him….through the fast…through the inventory process….through prayer.
Through Christ, I have been able to go days without any food. The past couple of weeks have truly been a picture of the truth in Psalm 63:5, “You satisfy me more than the richest feast. I will praise you with songs of joy.”
Thank You Jesus!!

You raised me up from the ruins….

Last night I received my twenty year sobriety chip at the Celebrate Recovery group I attend. I shared from the stage some thoughts on Isaiah 61:1-4.

sThe Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,

because the Lord has tanointed me

to bring good news to the poor;1

he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,

to proclaim liberty to the captives,

and uthe opening of the prison to those who are bound;2

2 vto proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor,

wand the day of vengeance of our God;

to comfort all who mourn;

3 to grant to those who mourn in Zion—

xto give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,

ythe oil of gladness instead of mourning,

the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;

zthat they may be called oaks of righteousness,

the planting of the Lord, athat he may be glorified.3

4 bThey shall build up the ancient ruins;

they shall raise up the former devastations;

they shall repair the ruined cities,

the devastations of many generations.

Jesus came for this! (Luke 4:24). He came for the hurting, the broken and the sinful. He came for me; He came for you.
In the past twenty years, Jesus has fulfilled this scripture in my life, and he continues to bring beauty from my ashes. When I first came to recovery…..there was nothing good in me. I was a full blown alcoholic and was struggling with sexual sin. I was a self centered, foul mouthed thief…..marriage breaker…..neglectful mother…..full of bitterness, anger, shame and remorse. “Hot mess” doesn’t even paint a true picture.
But God…..because He is rich in grace and mercy…..at just the right time…..saved me. Saved me from suicide first….sobered me up…saving my life….and a short time later….saving this wretch…..that is what I am without Christ…..saving me for eternity! Thank you Jesus! He freed the captive from her addictions! He freed the captive from her prison! As time went on…He took my bitterness and gave me peace...He took the tremendous pain I had and provided a passion for women’s ministry. He took the tremendous shame I’ve carried and had given me joy in the Lord! I am His child, dearly loved, honored by the king of Kings! Jesus took my brokenness and gave me a beautiful life in Him. As long as I live I will bring praise to my Deliverer and Savior!
I am humbled in knowing that I am the planting of the Lord, to bring Him glory….only Jesus could build a life of ministry from the ancient ruins of generational abuse and addiction. Only Jesus could make that drunken wreak of a woman….a vessel of honor. This twenty year chip, as my friend said last night….is a trophy of grace. Only grace! Only grace! Only amazing …wonderful….awesome grace! Only my Jesus!! Only Jesus could raise me up…..that fallen woman beyond repair. Only Jesus!

You raise me up, so I can stand on mountains
You raise me up to walk on stormy seas
I am strong when I am on your shoulders
You raise me up to more than I can be. – Brendan Graham

Those humans who came to me first….

Twenty years ago today, I woke up from a ten day drunk…..a desperate, broken woman…..on the verge of suicide.  There was nothing good in me.  I was an alcoholic, thief, an adulterer…and the hardest for me to admit in recovery….a terrible mother to my three year old son.  

That December morning twenty years ago, I became willing as the dieing can be to go to any length to stay sober.   I placed my hope in the 12 steps of recovery.  I committed to go back to AA….willing to work every step….willing to admit to another human being the exact nature of my wrongs.  Over the next few weeks, I worked the steps. In step 5, I admitted every deep, dark, ugly secret to a mentor….those secrets had been my anchor to the bottle.   I admitted them to God, but I didn’t believe they  would be forgiven….believing grace didn’t apply to girls like me.  I was too sinful for God to love….too broken.   I had grown up in a church that preached the gospel….but I always felt I wasn’t good enough….

My first few months in AA…sober, but not a very nice person….I had a filthy mouth…I was selfish…cold and uncaring….I snapped like an angry dog at anyone who tried to get close to me.  There wasn’t much to like….much less love….but those people around the tables in that meeting….loved me.   They loved me when I was almost impossible to love…it was through their unconditional love and acceptance, that I began to realize that if these human beings could love me despite me….surely God could….the perfect God….could love me after all.  I began to seek God….I began to pray….not in a personal way, but because they told me it would help me stay sober and improve my spiritual life.  

One night….a few months sober… I was reading a book given to me by a friend.  It was a book by Max Lucado.  The author wrote about a burlap sack that we carry around….basically a sack of life’s junk…stones of disappointments….shame….sin.  He then urges the reader to lay our sack at the foot of the cross, that Jesus died for us, for our stones.  Quoting Jesus: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. ²⁹Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. ” –Matthew 11:28-30 

There in my living room …I dropped  to my knees and wept….I believed Jesus loved me……despite the wretched sinner I was…that He died on that cross for me. Crying hard, I asked Him to forgive me and to be my Savior.   

That night, I finally understood grace…as unmerited favor.  Just like the people in AA had demonstrated by loving me when I didn’t deserve it; Jesus loved me…when I was so unworthy.   Just as He loves all of us …amazing love, amazing grace.  

It took the love of humans….the unmerited, unconditional love of a community of people for me to finally understand the love of Christ.  For me to believe He loved me….that He died for me.

In closing….I want you to take a couple of minutes….search your heart….twenty years ago….would you have shown me love….in spite of me?  Eternity is at stake….do you love the sinful…the broken?  Do you love my broken sisters (and brothers)?   Are you willing to get a little mud splattered on you to pull someone to safety in Christ?  The Holy Spirit will provide you all the love you need.  I doubt I would ever have came to Christ….had it not been for those humans who came to me first.  Thank You Jesus for 20 years of sobriety….but even more thank You for saving me for eternity!!

“A new command I give you: Love one another.  As I have loved you, so you must love one another. By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.” John 13:34-35

He appeared and the soul felt it’s worth…again

 Every time I hear this song, I think about what is reflected in this blog I wrote last year.  It is one of my favorites, so I am reblogging it below.   It reflects on my salvation experience.    This year, as I’ve grown in Christ, I recognize even more “His appearing” to me to remind me…..no it’s more than that….to bring a deeper understanding of my worth in Christ.   After all these years….my Jesus is still wooing me to trust Him to a deeper place…..where His love engulfs everything in this world…..fear, sin, pain.   A place where human worth is never measured…..and only one on Earth is worthy.  Our Jesus!   

He is always with us…..but those times He appears…..His Holy presence almost shining….undenialably present…..   He appears….in the sanctuary, arms lifted high in praise.   With my sisters as we pray, seeking His face.  In the beauty of His creation.  He appears in the dark of night to wipe weary tears.   His nail pierced hands linger….as He whispers “For you, my beloved, I died for YOU, because I love you”

 He appeared….and the soul felt it worth again and again.  Thank you Jesus!

———————————-

“He appeared and the soul felt it’s worth

NOVEMBER 27, 2015 ~ CHARH417 

“Long lay the world in sin and error pining till He appeared, and the soul felt it’s worth”   – O Holy Night
I’ve been thinking about these lyrics especially “He appeared and the soul felt it’s worth”.   I spent most of my life feeling worthless….unimportant….insignificant.   I spent most of my time working and striving toward worth. Thinking that if I was the smartest or hardest working…..that I could somehow increase my worth as a human.   These were things valued in my family and I wanted to feel valued and loved.

Today I feel valued and loved….because of Jesus.   One day many years ago….my Jesus appeared….and my soul felt worth.   It was the day I finally understood that no matter how wretched my sin was…..that He loved me any way. Before that I never felt good enough for God….too guilty….too tarnished. That day all that changed….and I finally saw grace for what it is…..unmerited favor. I wasn’t good enough…..because none of us are good enough. And the beautiful thing about Jesus…..He loves us anyway. He appeared to me that day….no, I didn’t see Jesus in physical form….but that was the day He showed Himself to me. That was the day He took the scales off my eyes and softened my heart to receive the gift of salvation….it was the day I saw the Light of this world….and realized my worth to Him. He loved me so much that He died on the cross….for me…..for all of us. There are very few people in my life that I would die for. They have infinite worth in my eyes.

We are never worthy in God’s eyes….Jesus’s blood makes us worthy……but in His eyes we are worth more than we can humanly imagine.  “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him.” (John 3:16-17)

Can you imagine….I mean would we in our humanness even consider such a thing!? I love my son…..I would die for him in a heart beat…..not even a question. In no-way-shape-or-form…..can I imagine sacrificing my only son to save anyone…..even someone I dearly love. Our worth to Him…..has to be immeasurable in human terms. What’s more, His love for us must be so exponentially more than we can even begin to feel. The Bible says “God is love” (1John 4:8)…..He doesn’t just “feel” love…..He….is….LOVE.    He appeared…not in all His glory…..but….in all His love…..tenderly removed the scales…gently softened the rock hard clay of my heart…..and my soul felt it’s worth…in Christ.  What an amazing, tremendous gift this was for me….not just forgiveness….or…salvation….but worth!    Worth,  I didn’t have to earn……worth, not because of who I am…..but who He is!   He is a beautiful, wonderful Savior who loves me at my worst and at my best just the same.   I am….cherished…..dearly loved…..I am His!       He appeared and the soul felt it’s worth!”

 

The wages of sin….

This post may ruffle some feathers….maybe not….as most of my readers have a strong belief in the Word of God, and live life accordingly….

Before you read any further, I want you to go to your Facebook app and search for Michelle.Martens. If you click on her name, I have it hyper-linked as well…but for some reason her mobile profile only tells part of her story, the app allows us to see a bigger picture. This woman….could fit right in with the Awana moms….sharing on FB about her beautiful children….a college degree…referencing Jesus…..prayer. I was shocked….I really was….in fact, the picture about God’s love…..I fittingly stole from her page.

I’m sure you know there’s more to this story…..sadly there is. Michelle Martens has been accused and has confessed to actions that led to the rape and murder of her 10 year old daughter. According to the Albuquerque Journal, Martens told police she set up at least three sexual encounters and allowed the men to sexually assault her daughter. She said she met the men online or through work, and did it because she “enjoyed it” .

As I understand it, she was high on Meth, while she watched her daughter raped by a man and his female cousin….the end result was the strangulation and dismemberment of a beautiful little girl. So very, very sad, what a horrific way to die. My heart breaks for that little girl and her family.

My heart also breaks for her mom. I can’t imagine sitting in a jail cell….the stark reality hitting as she detoxed….the tremendous pain she must be feeling…..knowing…..that she had done the unthinkable….this terrible….horrible….heinous thing to her own daughter. The cyber world is in so much hate and anger at this tragic death…..hate won’t bring that little girl back. Just reading the hateful comments posted on her profile picture makes me cringe.

By her Facebook page, since there are many references to God, even Jesus a few years ago, it seems to me that somewhere along the way, Michelle fell into a pit of sin…..the pit kept getting deeper and uglier….until it ended up exactly where the Bible says it will…..in death.

Even though my story is different, I know full well the pain of falling into a pit of sin……the hole getting deeper and deeper…..as I struggled with alcohol addiction…..many times I did things….in my drunkenness…..that I would never have done if I it wasn’t for my addictions. Many times I cursed the woman I had become……hating this sin-ugly version of myself staring back at me in the mirror. Praise God, I never developed a taste for drugs….because who knows where that would have taken me. By grace, I was saved by my Jesus…..and pulled from the pit….spared from any truly horrific situations.

Most of us would die trying to protect our children….and we see ourselves as worlds apart from Michelle. But I am reminded of a verse:

1 Corinthians 10:2 Therefore let anyone who thinks that he stands take heed lest he fall.

Many of us have done something we will forever regret…..If we are honest with ourselves…..we can see how easily a few bad choices….could send us into a pit of sin…..a few more bad choices…..the pit getting deeper…the enemy loves to hand us a shovel…..sometimes bringing in a backhoe when our eyes are turned.

This sin thing is serious…..deadly…..and sometimes…..if we’re honest don’t we sometimes arrogantly choose sin….because it’s easier….because we want to. Maybe that’s how this awful situation started.

I am going to print this blog, write a letter to Michelle and hope they deliver it to her cell…..she needs at least one person…to respond in love. To tell her Jesus died…..even for this. That His grace is still enough.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, and are justified by his grace as a gift, through the redemption that is in Christ Jesus. Romans 3:23-24

Called by name….

But now thus says the Lord,he who created you, O Jacob,

    he who formed you, O Israel:

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;

    I have called you by name, you are mine.

2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; 

and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;

when you walk through fire you shall not be burned,

    and the flame shall not consume you.

3 For I am the Lord your God,

the Holy One of Israel, your Savior.

I give Egypt as your ransom,

    Cush and Seba in exchange for you.

4 Because you are precious in my eyes,

    and honored, and I love you.

Isaiah 43:1-4. ESV

Many of us are familiar with these verses….especially, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you, I have called you by name, you are Mine”.   It’s a verse that tenderly….assuredly…..depicts a Father comforting…..reassuring…..His child…..of who she is.       To me…it reminds me that He knows my name…..it amplifies my Abba Father beckoning me to rest in Him…..to crawl into His lap and experience communion with Him that fills every need…..quiets every fear….comforts every bleeding place.     Is anyone else overcome with awe…..and gratitude…..at the relationship God wants to have with us!? It has all the earmarks of a “too good to be true”  Hallmark movie where a billionaire befriends a homeless man….and invites him, filth and all, to dine at his table.  But even that pales deeply in comparassion to the way God loves us…..woos us….covers our filth. How He sacrificed His one and only Son so He could invite us to His table for eternity.   

As if knowing our name….claiming us as His isn’t enough to convince us….He goes on to tell us we are loved……precious……and what I just recently noticed for the first time….HONORED!    I was blown away by that.   The God of the Universe…..Creater of Heaven and Earth…..the perfect God….honors…..even in my thoughts, I can barely squeak it out….me.   I am not sure that I have ever been honored by a human…..but…..God…..honors……me.    God honors us!!       Wow….is anyone else blown away….or did you all know this all along…..and no one told me!?    Or maybe it’s what someone said to me today…..that because of the tremendous brokeness I’ve experienced….I’m just more excited about His grace.    I don’t know…..what I do know…..is that His grace and love are absolutely amazing to me.  

I love Jesus more and more each day.   He’s my Savior, my Healer, my Deliverer….my Father…..and so much more!     My life has been totally transformed by Him.   I am His.  He is mine.    I can’t wait for the day when I get to sing praises to Him for all eternity!    And the cool thing….He loves us all the same…..and He wants every one of us to join His eternal choir in Heaven.     No matter how broken…..how sinful….He loves us.   He calls each of us to Himself….He longs for us to come.     
Have you answered the call….is Jesus your Savior?   He can be…..Because of love…God sent his son, Jesus to Earth to die on the cross for our sins.   Even though Jesus never sinned….He willingly bore the weight of our sin on the cross.  He died for us….each and every one of us.  He paid the price for our sin….so He can have a relationship with us for eternity.   Salvation is the most generous gift ever….but we have to receive it.   We just need to admit we are a sinner…..that we believe He died for our sin….and ask Him to be our Lord and Savior.  He knows your name!  He yearns for us all to crawl in His lap and rest in Him. I’ll scootsch over…..there’s plenty of room!  Thank you Jesus!!

Who am I, that the lord of all the earth   

Would care to know my name

Would care to feel my hurt?

Who am I, that the eyes that see my sin

Would look on me with love

And watch me rise again?

Who am I, that the voice that calmed the sea

Would call out through the rain

And calm the storm in me?

Not because of who I am
But because of what you’ve done

Not because of what I’ve done

But because of who you are!

-Casting Crowns